It was the first day of February 2009, and I was feeling entirely lost and full of sadness. My divorce was filed and I had just moved into my own apartment. For the first time in my life I was completely alone. I chose to start my family very young and I loved every minute of it. My three children were the center of my world since I became a Mom at 17 years old. It felt like one day I woke up and they were gone... My babies were all grown up and starting their own lives. Being a Mom was where my happiness came from. It's where my feelings of self-worth came from. The love and closeness, the family and togetherness, feeling wanted and needed... gone. I felt abandoned and scared and I had no idea who I was as a person. My "empty nest" left my heart feeling empty. Who was I without my children?
Soon after my youngest daughter graduated from high school my divorce was finalized. My life would never be the same again. We shared 13 beautiful years together and I don't regret one second. I could not have asked for a more wonderful husband. We had the fun neighborhood house where all of the kids, friends and families gathered together. Never a dull moment, always entertaining and loving the supportive bond that we had with everyone. As the kids started getting older and needed us less, we started growing apart. For the last two years that we were together, we tried with everything we had to save our marriage. Everything had changed and we just couldn't figure out how to re-connect as a couple.
I had put myself last in line my whole life and everyone else came first. I had no clue who I was or what made me happy. So there I was, for the first time in my life living alone. Exactly one week later, I met a man and our connection was undeniable. I remember crying to my sister saying, "No I don't want to fall in love with this guy, it's too soon, I need to figure out who I am." But it was too late. Our souls joined as if we had known each other forever. We couldn't stay away from each other. Six months later we moved in together and soon realized that our lifestyles were completely different. What we wanted and needed was so different and we were both left needing more. We fought an amazing fight to stay together, but finally 2 years later I moved out. Living alone once again, we continued to date on and off and we went to many hours of couples therapy. We got engaged twice and had set a wedding date. We kept going back to each other like heroin addicts needing their fix.
During this time I became determined to heal myself and to finally figure out who I was and how to make myself happy. I started searching for books that could help me make sense of my pain and confusion. I read hundreds of book reviews and decided what books to purchase. I started reading book after book like it was my quest. I was on a mission to find happiness. I needed to make sense of everything. I knew that I was missing something. I felt like the answer was so simple... And it was.
From the first book that I read, I knew I was on the right track. I could feel an immediate positive shift in my emotions. "Why didn't anyone ever tell me this before!!!" I was so blown away that this information isn't taught to us in school as children. It could save us from feeling so much pain and suffering, so much childhood bullying. Countless years of not feeling good enough, attractive enough, or smart enough. I was always looking for someone to fill the love inside of me. My parents, my children, my boyfriend, my husband. But the love that I needed was inside of me the whole time! Once I realized that I could cause myself more pain than any other person in the world, and I could give myself more love than any other person in the world, I felt free.
It doesn't matter how much we love someone. If we are not heading in the right direction in our life we will be given pain, and loneliness, and heart break, over and over until we are forced down the right path. We can't grow without pain and heartache. Pain is our teacher, pain is our guide to move in the right direction. You can choose to sit in the pain as long as you desire, or you can stop the pain by making positive changes in your mind and with your actions.
Out of all of the books that I have read in the past few years, there are some that I read over and over. These books helped me to heal more than I ever thought possible. I realized so much about myself and life in general. I learned how to be truly happy in my heart without needing anyone else to temporarily fill that need. When we rely on another person to make us happy, we will always end up with a broken heart. We can't hide behind our partner. We can't stop growing just because we are in a relationship. We have to fill the happiness inside of ourselves before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone. Once we start fulfilling our true purpose in life, everything will fall into place.
Don't ever give up! Just keep working on yourself and all of your dreams will come true! The better that you know yourself and trust your own intuition, the faster you will truly be happy. Today, at this moment, I have never been more happy. I met and married my forever soulmate and we share a love that I have never experienced before. We continuing to learn and grow together everyday.
The answers to every question you have ever had about life is in these books below. If you are ready to change your life and be happier than you ever thought possible then start reading XO!!
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The Magic
* The FIRST Agreement: Be impeccable with your word.
* The SECOND Agreement: Don't take anything personally.
* The THIRD Agreement: Don't make assumptions.
* The FOURTH Agreement: Always do your best.
* The FIFTH Agreement: Be skeptical, but learn to listen.
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The Mastery of Love
INTERPRETING YOUR DREAMS:
Another great resources that I use for self-growth and discovery is the website DREAMMOODS.COM. (Also available Free on the App Store.) Here you can make sense of your dreams or nightmares and understand what is really going on in your life. For some reason I rarely remember my dreams, but when I do I immediately look them up. This is a great way to get a better understand of yourself and your feelings.
DISEASE, PAIN, & SICKNESS - WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
I find this book so interesting. I really only use "THE LIST" in chapter Fifteen at the end of the book. I completely believe that our body physically tells us when something is wrong emotionally.
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"THE LIST" Chapter 15
HOW I MADE MY VISION BOOK:
One of the most important steps to changing my life was becoming clear about what made me happy and what I wanted my life to look like. You can see how I made my vision book in my other post
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