LINKUPWITHLISA #69 - Overcoming Anxiety and Accepting Myself

My daughter Nicole and her family spent last weekend at our house. They arrived Friday night and the plan was to go to the Big E Fair on Saturday night and to hang out at home on Sunday. I was so excited to have them visit, however I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. My fear and frustration was coming from the physical pain that I deal with every day. I knew that I couldn't walk long enough to go to the fair and I was feeling sad and defeated. Once again I was going to miss out on something fun and special because of my physical limitations. NOT!!!

I was hit in the back by a drunk driver while i was walking when I was fifteen years old. Since then I have had eleven surgeries and I deal with chronic pain. My most recent surgery was a full abdominal repair with mesh. This was the mother of all surgeries and has challenged me in every way possible for the past seven months. My surgeon told me the recovery time is two years and he wasn't kidding. My healing has been incredibly slow and painful, with setbacks including a five day re-hospitalization for a severe bowel blockage, and a postsurgical muscle tear in my abdomen that is taking forever to heal. I am also struggling with the fact that I don't recognize the way that my body looks, feels, or moves anymore.

I work so hard every day not to let my pain interfere with my life. I didn't survive a near death accident to let my pain win! I have always rejected the idea of a wheelchair (because in my mind) I would be labeling myself as broken and I would be giving up. I forgave the man who hit me with his car, but did I forgive myself for being disabled? Well today I am going to forgive myself and accept myself not as broken and full of scars, but as a strong, resilient, beautiful, loving woman who deals with physical challenges. Wow! It took me almost 48 years to be able to embrace every part of myself. Why is it so difficult to compliment myself and so easy to see the beauty in others? I will always be a work in progress and I will forever continue to learn, heal and grow. This is my amazing journey full of love, happiness, pain, mistakes, miracles and struggles. I believe this is the life that I was put on this earth to have so I can be my best self.

My experience of society judging me because they cannot see my injuries, has helped me to become a more compassionate and loving person to everyone. You never know what someone is going through (emotionally or physically) so always be kind and never judge. I can't even count how many times I have heard people say, "You don't look like anything is wrong with you." I usually just respond by saying, "Thank you". However I always think to myself how screwed up it is that disabled people are stereotyped as not being attractive. When I go out I enjoy dressing nice, styling my hair and putting on makeup. This helps me to feel better about myself and helps me to have more confidence. It feels good to be looked at as vibrant instead of injured. Not only by others, but when I look at myself in the mirror. It doesn't matter if I feel like I am going go burst into tears with pain and I can only stand for five minutes in my heels. This is how I have always been and just because I deal with pain does not mean that I have to look like the train wreck that I sometimes feel like.

Me and my daughter Nicole

Going out usually triggers some level of anxiety for me. My head immediately goes to the fear of increased physical pain and feeling embarrassed that someone may notice my impairments. I just want to feel normal and beautiful and agile. And I am finally realizing that I am! Who cares if I need to sit or stand, or if I move slow, or limp, or use a wheelchair? I am full of love and life and I will continue to push myself to get out of the house more and to focus on how grateful I am that I can walk at all! After what I have been through I am lucky to be alive and in one piece.

Find your strength and focus on all of the things that you are grateful for. Share your love with other people and get out of your own head! It can get dark and negative in there if you don't open your eyes wide. Block out the negative self-sabotaging voices that say you are not good enough. Because you are enough! Stop judging yourself and stop judging others. Being negative to others is a self-reflection of how you treat yourself. Be kind to yourself and that will give you fuel to lift the spirit of everyone around you. Live your life and stop overthinking everything you do. Stay in the moment and stop trying to control everything. Life is a gift and it's short, so live... Just live and love XO.

Getting Ready :-)

My daughter and I got ready together in my glam room.

I wore my Leonisa Compression Shaper under my clothes. Usually this gives me enough support if I am just going out to dinner, but for the fair I layered my post-surgical abdominal brace on the outside of my clothes. I also need to wear this every day at home.

I wanted to walk as much as I could and holding on to the wheelchair made it a lot less painful. We were all joking that I was pushing my invisible friend LOL. I only walked for about fifteen minutes before I had to sit, but I was happy that I made it that far! I am so glad that I fought through my anxiety and went to the fair. I can't believe that I almost let these beautiful moments pass me by. 

I had my Tarot Cards read and she was very accurate knowing that I have three children, work for myself and predicting no more hospitals for me! She said that I worry about my health and I do not need to. That made me feel so hopeful that I will continue to heal and have less pain. She also said that someone in my family is expecting a baby! I wonder if it's my daughter who already gave birth or someone else is pregnant :-)

 My daughter Nicole and my granddaughter Paityn XO

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